Dear Diary

22/05/09

I've finally gotten around to uploading a wedding video of us "walking" down the isle and a video of our first dance!

20/04/10

OK, here's a BBC article about "Embedded Water", i.e. the actual amount of water that's needed to produce stuff.

E.g. a cup of tea requires 30 litres (to grow the tea, etc) and coffee 140 litres.

Now, PANIC, PANIC, PANIC because tea/coffee is often grown in poor countries, so it's presented that every cup of coffee drunk in the UK takes 30 litres of water away from developing countries, you BAAASTARDS!!!

What I don't understand, is how they compress 30 litres of water in to tea leafs... yeah, that's right, it's a load of shiit really, because the water doesn't actually LEAVE the country, it gets recycled in it.

Stupid journalism?

12/04/10

Yay! Spring! As Craig said:

Getting a real laugh from reading all the facebook posts by Londoners over the last 2 months when a bit of blue sky pops through the grey, or when a blossum appears.  A lot of it sounds like a homeless person whose just found a cigarette in the gutter.  Hope you guys have a decent summer this year!

And not to disappoint, here's some snaps I took on Sat at King George's Park (link to satellite view):

31/03/10

You know what's funny? Listening to a woman (several people away) who was as round as she was tall on a packed solid train, discussing LOUDLY on the phone that the doctor told her she was morbidly obese and if she keeps on eating she'll die. She then goes on to tell her friend that she didn't think she was THAT fat and promptly starts discussing dinner.

26/03/10

Wow, I hate to use terms like "EPIC FAIL!!! LOL!!!", but if I WAS to use such a term, it would be on this spam message that I just got. No, I don't often read spam, but for some odd reason I did for this one:

Congratulations - You have (Gefeliciteerd - U)

The MICROSOFT EMAIL PROMO TEAM is glad to announce that after a successful completion of the PROMO DRAWS held on the 24th March 2010,your e-mail address,attached to winning

numbers:(11) (80) (12)(96) (09) (43) won in the Tenth lottery category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £250,000,00 Pounds Sterling in cash credited to REF NO:MICRO-L/2009-END10.

All participants were selected through our Microsoft computer ballot system drawn from 167,000 Names,as part of our International  "E-MAIL" Promotion Program for our prominent MS-WORD users all over the world and for the continuous use of the internet. You are advised to contact the claims processor with the details below via his e-mail address :

NAME:  Ivan Nickerson

EMAIL: mrivannickerson4@yahoo.com.hk

PLEASE NOTE YOU ARE TO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO

CLAIM YOUR PRIZE:

1.Full Name:... 2.Address:... 3.Phone:... 4.Country:...

5.Sex/Gender:...

YOURS SINCERELY,

ANASTACIA SHEFFIELD.

So, ignoring all the grammar and layout mistakes, not only has this fu*ktard mixed up Microsoft and LOTTO, awarding me £250k for my "continued use of Word and the Internet", but the email to claim my award is a Yahoo one!

Dear god... Feel free to reply to him to claim my prize...

08/01/10

Happy New Year everyone!

Holy craap! I just saw this picture of England, taken by Nasa's Terra Satellite yesterday:

Um, BRRRRR!

Here's a link to the BBC article I got it from.

By the way, I recorded over 36,000 visits to my web site last year, almost 100 visits a day! My busiest month was Aug, with 3,535 visits. Thanks to all who checked my site out!

29/12/09

Well, I had a sweet response to my Facebook post. Here it is:

Tony Baker I've never been so excited to go for a dump, not only does the toilet in our Japanese style hotel room have controls, they're in some weird language! Facebook friends, I ask you, obviously I'm gonna press all the buttons to see what they do, but which colours do I go for first?! I'm holding off till I get a response...

Tania L'Ami Go the big red one!!!!!! And good luck :0)
Yesterday at 19:37

Emma King yellow!
Yesterday at 19:45

Debbie Weinstein Kirk Green!!!
Yesterday at 19:47

Karoline Cheung watch out for the bidet surprise.
Yesterday at 19:49

Andrew Hammond RED. Make sure you tense up first.
Yesterday at 19:49

Glenn Sunkel Push a combination of buttons for the power moves
Yesterday at 20:00

Glenn Sunkel try "up up down down left right left right B A"
Yesterday at 20:01

Sheldon Kirk that will cause Raiden to go though the ground and pop up behind him
12 hours ago

John Sneed Be careful. One of the buttons drops you onto the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
6 hours ago

I decided to try all the different buttons:

The red one didn't do anything, it was stop. Good to find that one out first.

The second one with the lovely looking fountain was quite an experience indeed. The accuracy at which it hit its target was quite stunning, lets just say that I had the feeling that thousands of years of Japanese engineering had come to a pinnacle, the accuracy best described as hitting a 5p coin on the moon, with a laser fired from Earth.

It was pretty obvious that the pink button with a lady on it probably wasn't designed for me. Fearlessly, I pressed it and waited for what was to happen. Needless to say, my man-berries have never been so squeaky clean.

It was at this point that I decided to try the two smaller buttons below the green and pink one. I found that that varied the pressure, from near enema to refreshing tinkle.

The other button of consequence was the gold one with waves on it. That seemed to be designed to give one a blow job. Unfortunately, it was about as effective at drying ones bits as a bird tweeting at you from a hundred paces while standing in a tropical monsoon. Quite how the Japanese can go from giving the impression of engineering gods with the butt squirt (honestly, I was looking for a camera it was so accurate) to something as effective as a worm farting was beyond me.

The last two buttons did nothing at all that I could tell.

Trying out Glenn's combination, however, resulted in a TV screen popping out the side and a Japanese magna-film playing, what appeared to be, instructions on how to defeat a Godzilla boss in some video-game.

The real reason I won't be buying one of these though, was discovered after lifting the seat and looking at the cleaning instruction on the far right.

Thanks for all your facebook comments!

29/10/09

Although posting stuff like this makes me look like a druggie, I actually love pointing out facts like this to demonstrate how manipulated public perception is (my other favourites are disproving that wind power is good and Geckos have suckers on their feet):

22/09/09

OK, so this is incredibly geeky, but screw it, I'm an incredible geek!

Elite turns 25 years old today!

After watching the BBC video of the game play, it brought back a lot of nostalgia of the many hours I spent playing it:

09/09/09

Ohh!! Look at the date! I suppose it signified Armageddon or something...?!

I tell you what, I imagine Shan comes about as close to armageddon as anyone with wee Austin, immortalised in Ian's new T-Shirt. Here's the front:

and here's the back:

27/07/09

A bunch of us went to Greenwich on Sat to watch the rugby. Beforehand Bridget, Bec's and I went for a wander up to the Observatory where I took this cool snap of em:

08/07/09

Right, what's the best name we can give to our new company? Oh, I know...

Took that pic yesterday.

10/06/09

OK, fine, this picture of me with Austin (Shan and Ian's new bub) has been doing the rounds thanks to Shan:

Yeah, yeah, makes me look soft. What was REALLY going on, however, was me lulling Austin in to a false sense of security that the world is a lovely place, full of smiles and free milk. Just as he was relaxing, I'd snap him back to the cold hard realities of the world:

That'll learn him.

Here's a few more snaps of bunch last Sat.

One of Dennis, looking far softer than myself:

Matt and Anne's turn with Austin:

Ian and Shan extra happy that they got to offload Austin for 5 mins:

Dennis: "Look at my sexy Belly!"

Crazy being, well, normal:

The crew also got Shan a birthday "cake" seeing as it was so close to her birthday:

Grope photo:

(Going round the table: Lindsey, Dennis, Becs, James, Cynthia, Shan, Ian, Bridget, Matt, Richard, Chris, Marta, Crazy, Terry and myself. Guess Anne was away from the table!)

07/05/09

I'll admit it, I REALLY wanna go see the new Star Trek movie, which comes out today in the UK, but I can't go watch it tonight because I have to hang out with mates drinking, laughing and having fun. BOO!

To tie me over, I came across this video review of Star Trek, from the Onion. Fantastic.

19/03/09

BRIDGET AND I ARE ENGAGED!!!

FINALLY I've popped the question to Bridget, in fantastic Abel Tasman on the 11th of March! Check out my Abel Tasman and Engagement page for the lowdown...

 03/02/09

Honestly, snow seems to bring out only the thickest morons on charge in London. There was total chaos yesterday with all Buses cancelled, leaving people on night-shifts totally stuffed for getting home, let alone people trying to get in.

Why were all the buses cancelled? Not because the streets were covered in snow, nooooo, the major bus routes were cleared by TFL (Transport For London). The buses were cancelled because they didn't clear the side roads from the bus depots. Seriously, I'm not making this shiit up:

Of course, the mere thought handing all the bus drivers standing around doing nothing, a shovel to clear the road would be a grave sin, that's well outside the poor dears job spec. Much better for the loves to have SNOWBALL FIGHTS in front of the newspaper cameras to improve public relations. Oh, and the fact that all the buses were parked up and down Putney High street, making it a right pain in the ass for the road gritters/graders to do their job didn't make me think for one second "Hmm, how the hell did all the buses get on to the friggen main street to park up and do nothing in the FIRST BL00DY PLACE?!", oh no.

Either way, I don't care, I just worked from home, I just like moaning and pointing out fu<ktards. Speaking of fu<ktards, this morning at the train station while waiting for the delayed train on a packed platform #2, there was an announcement "This is a platform alteration, the next train to London Waterloo will now be departing from platform #1". There was the usual "tut-tut" noises from everyone, as well as the faint noise of  "what the FU<K! Your MORONS!" coming from me, while the hundreds of commuters climbed up the stairs to get across to the other platform. Just as basically everyone had done so, apart from Bridget and myself because we went all the way down the platform initially, there was another announcement "The next train to Waterloo will be on platfrom #1 in 4 mins, the train after that will be leaving from platform #2 in 6 mins". Again, the "tut-tuts" and faint sound of "FRIGGEN BL00DY MORONS" filled the air again as we decided to stay on platform #2 with everyone else left on it.

What platform did the next train finally turn up to? That's right, platform #2. This time I was too busy laughing for the sound of "FU<KTARDS!!!" to fill the air and the tut-tuts were coming too thick and fast over on platform #1 for me to have been heard at any rate.

Ya just can't make this shiit up.

02/02/09

Hoo Wee! Woke up this morning to the biggest snowfall London has seen in 18 years! Here's Bridget outside our front door:

View from our lounge:

From the top floor of our building:

It's also been the coldest winter in London for over a decade. Of course, all busses in London have been suspended, the trains and roads are totally stuffed as well. Bad enough when you get a couple of leaves on the line in fall, let alone a few inches of snow! Bridge and I are working from home today :-)

01/02/09

I set another time-lapse video going out my kitchen window and was lucky enough to catch a snow flurry passing across London! It's quite a dramatic change in weather, from this:

to this:

and back again, in a 30 second video.

Download or watch on youtube.

03/01/09

Nice way to start the new year, finding out that my Supergoove video is on Supergroove's MySpace page!

I'd also like to point out that currently it's the very first video on their site ;-)

Cheers for posting it on there, guys!

31/12/08

Happy New Year Everyone!

Thanks to all those who have visited my site this year! Clocking up around 100 unique visitors per day.

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29/03/10

Here's a very cool vid that Bec's sent around:

Frosty Man and the BMX Kid

26/03/10

Now it's been a very long time since I posted anything here, but I had to go to the effort to post this.

Check out this TimesOnline article that James sent me.

Right, take a good look at it and tell me what's FU<KEN FUNNY about it... Just in case the link goes away, here's the top of it:

Give up? Are actually appalled by the article? Now take a look at the authors name... He's a real guy...

23/12/09

Crazy sent this amusing vid to me of a poor girl burying her goldfish...

Cuzzy Tania sent me a link to a news article about nude cyclists getting in trouble with the law... for not wearing helmets ;-)

20/11/09

Sheldon sent me this link to SpongeBob Square Pants Burger King Commercial, we think we've found Crazy's new job... ;-)

Also, Crazy emailed me a link to these two Onion videos:

Apple's new laptop with no keyboard

Boy finds own real life ET

29/10/09

Mum sent me the following:

Hi hon, I was watching this video, thinking, there’s nothing funny about this, when all of a sudden, it got funny.  Typical new Zealand males, that’s all I can say.

Luv mum

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY8vziVXQCE

And there must be something in the air in NZ spring time which makes people go crazy, this one from Cuzzy Tania:

http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/3008651/Mystery-lump-on-beach-mistaken-for-alien

Mystery lump on beach mistaken for alien

By JEFF TOLLAN - The Timaru Herald

JOHN BISSET/ The Timaru Herald

CREATURE FROM THE DEEP: Rose Fraser was baffled by this find on Temuka's Browns Beach yesterday. It turned out to be from the top of a sperm whale's head.

 From the briny depths of the South Pacific has come a massive ... something; which has parked itself on the stony shoreline of a Temuka beach.

Rose Fraser was walking along Browns Beach yesterday morning when she spotted the lump of stuff.

"I first saw it from a distance and I thought: 'That's a big white rock on the shore line ... that wasn't there four days ago'." As she got closer to the thing she thought it could be a piece of driftwood – a really big bit of driftwood – but upon reaching it, Miss Fraser's thoughts turned from sea to sky.

"I must admit, I thought: 'Heck, this is an alien'. It looks like it's got big ribs coming out of it, but it looks like they could be tentacles, so I don't know."

Cautiously, and ready to run should the thing suddenly leap into life, Miss Fraser lobbed a rock at it, then prodded it with a stick. Whatever it was, it sat there, not moving. All it did was emit a slight odour.

After Miss Fraser rang The Timaru Herald, a photo of the woolly, stringy object was sent to the Department of Conservation in Wellington, who sent it to Niwa and Te Papa. It was also sent to Otago University's whale experts.

After a flurry of emails a consensus was reached.

It was the top – essentially the stuffing – of a sperm whale's head.

As the blob was soft tissue, compartmentalised and big, it was likely to be the large spermaceti organ and "junk" of a sperm whale, probably male.

Those structures deal with sound beam focusing in sperm whales and related whales and dolphins and were also filled with a straw-coloured oily wax called spermaceti or case oil.

It is not yet known what will happen to the blob of whale.

Tania commented:

I just think it’s hilarious that Mrs Fraser wasn’t too sure of her Alien identification…”…. It looks like it's got big ribs coming out of it, but it looks like they could be tentacles, so I don't know."……

It mustn’t have looked like the other Aliens she has accurately identified?

23/10/09

Dave (yep, Crazy's bro) sent me a link to this video, saying:

Heya Tony,

That screened on telle last night here from the 'Police 10-7' show, quite amusing.

I have to agree :-) Safer communities and all that!

16/10/09

If you ever wanted to see a bird smiling as it shags a dude's head, then check out the video below, DAMN funny (thanks Karin!)

05/10/09

Holy freaken craap! Stuart sent me a link to Charlie the Unicorn video:

I don't know of many words that could be used to describe it, but I'm pretty sure "acid" would be one of them... The only thing that might be better is "Charlie the Unicorn 2":

And here was me thinking the "Badjelly the Witch" was as trippy as it could get...

28/09/09

Petra sent this link, of driving in to an oncoming dust storm in Broken Hill:

22/09/09

Ian sent around the following, with the comment "Oh so true. I have already forwarded it to Matt and Stef…". Muah ha ha ha!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE 

Cabinet for Sale - details below 

DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market. 

To give indication of size of the Cabinet can hold the following:

o       Rugby League World Cup 
o       Rugby Union World Cup 
o       International Rules Trophy 
o       Tri Nations Trophy 
o       Super-12 Trophy 
o       Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy 
o       Davis Cup 
o       Hockey World Championship Trophy 
o       Bledisloe Cup.
o       Ashes urn.

All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.   

To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented
"The Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"   
 
They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT

17/09/09

Who doesn't like country music? you?! Well, I suggest you watch this video then! Thanks Petra :-)

Cuzzy Tania (the infamous cat pervert) also sent around this amusing shot of Patrick Swayze and Kayne West:

Personally, I think Taylor Swift should be buying Kayne West a huge present, who knew who the fu<k she was before his stunt?!?! Can anyone else name someone who got an award at the MTV Video Music Awards off the top of their head?

24/08/09

Shea sent me this link to the funniest Fringe Festival jokes:

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

and the worst:

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

24/07/09

Shea sent around this link to a 42 Below vodka advert about Wellington. 5 stars on you-tube, it's fantastic

08/07/09

Chris sent around a link to this NZ Short Movie, Two Cars, One Night.

Tania was nice enough to send around a link to a scientific web site about Man Flu

27/06/09

Karin sent me what has to be the best freaken video I've seen in a long long time. The literal version of Total Eclipse of the Heart. Seriously, amazing.

26/06/09

Wow, Michael Jackson has just died at the age of 50 from a heart attack!

Reporter in the field, cuzzy Tania says:

Reports are coming through that Michael Jackson has stated in his will that he is to be melted down and made in to toys so that the kids can still play with him...

Dennis thinks there's fowl play involved, saying:
"I was thrilled when i heard he was doing this tour...its just bad, off the wall even"
he's investigating everyone he can find in response to MJ's death, starting with the man in the mirror.

Kent looks like he may in some way be involved with his death, he said "I was asking him to change his ways, but who knows, all I do know is, don't blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the boogie, his heart just couldn't beat it".

Further quote from Kent:

MJ was "Gone too soon". We have to all "Come together right now", "keep the faith" and "remember the time" that we all spent listening to to his "bad" ass songs.

Andrew just can't believe it, he's clinging on to false hope, saying "yeah, still could be a false alarm, maybe they mistook a mannequin for him"

Personally, I've just found out that tickets to see one of Michael Jackson's 50 concerts at the O2 here in London are now priced reasonably, and I've heard the IRS is desperate enough for money that they're pointing out Michael Jackson doesn't need embalming fluid.

Yep, hearing of his death is something you probably won't forget, people will be saying:
Where were you when you heard about Diana's death? "Do you remember the time" you heard about Michael Jackson's?!

OK, I've gotta stop now... Shamon

Right, that didn't last for long, here's the WORST MJ jokes:

Apparently the last words he uttered as they were putting him into the ambulance outside his house were "children's ward please..."

He didn't have a heart attack as reported. They found him in the children's ward having a stroke

Michael Jackson wants to be cremated and put in to kids cereal boxes, so he can go through the ass of 5 year old boys one last time.

16/06/09

Petra sent around this video, How to lose your job as a TV interviewer

05/06/09

Here's a joke from Petra:

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and Says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

16/05/09

Well, I was WRONG about people not wanting to see a video of me falling in to a river (if you also wanna see the pictures, go here) and was WRONG about thinking people would say "OH NO! Poor Tony! Perhaps I should send him a dozen beers in the hope of making the poor guy feel better! man, I would've needed an ambulance to take me away from a crash like that, Tony's so tough!"

In fact, people think it's funny! I know, I can barely believe it myself. From Cullen:

That has 2 b the funniest shit I have seen in a long time. And let me say that 5 stitches doesn't make a cut, it's a scratch. I wish I was there 2 see it unfold

01/05/09

Becs and JP have both sent this around, titled
Where Pig Flu Came From:

30/03/09

Hoo, wee, been a long time since I added anything here!

To make up for it, here's a video of Sony's latest product... warning, contains a LOT of swearing, if you planning on cranking this up at work!

Cheers, Petra.

29/01/09

Kent sent around a link to the best complaint letter ever. Well worth a read, with pictures!

19/01/09

My boss forwarded  this around:

Subject: School Prank

Who says Today's Kids aren't smart ??????? I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

12/01/09

My Auntie send me this video (well, more sound) file of a telemarketer getting fooled by the person he rang. I'm pretty sure I've heard it before, but deserves posting again, as it's bl00dy brilliant!

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