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21/04/08

Crazy sent around a couple of amusing videos:
Homemade Olympics
Cucumber Sandwich

Lisa sent me this, saying "I swear this was really written by you and not some guy from Maidenhead" and I'd have to agree (especially as I'm in the middle of applying for Indefinite Leave to Remain):

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years.
It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture.. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one.
AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all
over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ****** to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red
Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN....

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

09/04/08

Holy craaap! Check this video out!!! Crazy sent it, titled "What happened when the Health and Safety Officer had a day off"... I can see this happening in London before long...

Crazy also sent in this cool vid, titled "Pete".

08/04/08

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nah, seriously:

HAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, HAHAHAHAAAAA!

NZ might have stories about hedgehogs being used as weapons and homeless people smoking pot, but AUSTRALIA has stories like the following which show up in UK papers:

Reunited father and daughter have a child together
Monday, 07 April 2008 A woman who has given birth to her fathers child is demanding 'respect and understanding' about their relationship.

Jenny Deeves, 31, had sex with her father two weeks after the pair were reunited 30 years after her father John separated from Jenny's mother.

Soon after meeting again, Ms Deeves says she began to see beyond familial ties and regard her father as a man first and foremost.

The couple's 11-month-old baby Celeste, appears fit and healthy. Ms Deeves told Australian news station Nine Network: "We are just asking for a little respect and understanding.

"John and I are in this relationship as consenting adults."

She admitted looking at her father like you might look at a man across the bar in a nightclub. About having sex with her father she said: "It was like a sexual relationship with any other man."

Ms Deeves already has two children with a former partner.

John Deeves said: "Emotions take over. I knew it was illegal. Of course I knew it was illegal but you know, so what."

In virtually all Australian states incest is illegal with the crime in South Australia carrying a maximum seven years in jail. South Australian police are monitoring the couple.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, HAHAHAHAAAAA!

07/04/08

Of all the turmoil going on in the world at the moment, it's good to see that when New Zealand makes news on the BBC, it continues to do so in style:

NZ man 'used hedgehog as weapon'

A man in New Zealand has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon, the New Zealand Herald has reported.

Police said William Singalargh, 27, had hurled the hedgehog about 5m (16ft) at a 15-year-old boy.

"It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," said Senior Sgt Bruce Jenkins, in the North Island town of Whakatane.

It was unclear whether the hedgehog was still alive when it was thrown, though it was dead when collected as evidence.

The police spokesman said the suspect was arrested "for assault with a weapon, namely the hedgehog."

Mr Singalargh is due to appear in court on 17 April. If convicted, he faces up to five years in prison.

03/04/08

Stef says (regarding Your Say posting on 26/03/08):

Not really impressed with your cuzzy Tania's joke on your website.

So i reply with the following:

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

Yeah, real funny stuff there, Stef...